Author: 🥨

This morning was weird… i was sleeping in a weird position.. my dad woke me up and he got me deodorant so i said thanks, then i looked at the time and i didnt know if i had to work or go to the clinique, but i was up pretty late it was like 11, so i slept again till 11:30. Woke up.. took my phone and saw ur name.. i was relieved… one more day😅 i’m making the most out of it because… i dont know if you’re gonna keep talking to me or not… i’m hoping you do… i’m really trying to be there for you and help you… i want u to get back up… u got this… anyways… we talked this morning too… and we called on ur lunch hour… u sounded better… i’m happy i got to hear your voice… it felt good… i just cant get attached to.. waking up to u again… because if i do… ugh… i’m learning to control my emotional outbursts… cocaine kind of made that worst so its been harder to control… these days i’m getting it tho… its not so bad… i’m starting to not talk about it anymore, keeping it mostly to myself… but i did meet someone… one night with my friend sam he introduiced me to a girl who saved him once 2-3 years ago! So i was like.. maybe she can help me🤷🏻‍♂️ i added her on snap… we’ve talked a bit and she’s been good… so far i’ve only explained briefly the situation, and she’s giving me advice on things i should do to get to know myself again and when i feel like being alone i should take that time to find purpose or wtv… its not so bad, its how i’ve been learning the self control! I wish you were here tho… since we’ve spoken yesterday… its like you’ve made it easier… for me.. it feels… better with u… how u told me to get up yesterday and to stop being stupid … that’s what really worked… i miss you. I really hope you get to read this one day… you’ll get to see what i was thinking while all this was happening😅 i hope one day i get to fall in love with you all over again.

I finally.. feel like i wanna live a little…

You got me to come home early, smoke less, and actually get tired at a normal time. You really are always full of motivation and everything.. you make me feel great and u barely showed love.. well… wouldnt say barely… but your conflicted, ur afraid of hurting me, its easier to hate me and to make me hate you than it is to have me fall again right? Tonight didnt feel like that.. it felt more.. “hey, how you doing? U been okay?” U know? I dont know.. sleep well… dont overthink.

So… we spoke for the first time in a while… i didnt know how to react but i stayed calm pretty well… except after seeing that video today… came close to a breakdown there lol! Anyways… i dont feel so bad… its not the same now i feel it… even tho old habits wanna fight out… i’m trying. I see this as being.. a chance to something… i know now isnt the time yet… but i wish you could open up to me too… i dont know if you’ll ever see this … if you do “Heyyyyyy how you doinnn?” 😂 i just… seeing how you are right now.. i dont know how to react.. writing it down might help but im just so mindblown… u want MY attention… without admiting it… just the same that i didnt say i wanted to stay and i almooooosst cancelled my friends.. but i didnt want you to tell me i was dumb for staying or anything, so i left. Didnt listen to feeling… but… i came back earlier for a reason… and i was happy to see you happy to see me. I dont know what else to say other than… im glad you found a way to show me how you feel… opening up this way… on here… its a great idea… a great beginning… its a good way of me getting to know you.. and how u feel… but i wont lie about how much i miss you… and seeing you tonight made me stand up again.. especially after everything you’ve said to me.. how mad you’ve gotten because you love me so much… and how … how i just.. LOVE YOU! Its like i can’t say it enough can i ugh. I won’t say more for tonight. I just hope you sleep well, and i hope u keep posting… you are and always will be.. my little racoon❤️

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton