Lots on my mind

Hey you… so we talked yesterday for the first time in a week… maybe more and uh.. it was nice to hear your voice again… i know it was because i got angry about the thing my brother did but after i said what i had to say… its like the anger went away right away.. as per usual… you’re always gonna be able to calm me down huh! Then we talked… how we miss each other… and how stuff is going… not too many details.. we’ll keep that for when its time to catch up… i’ve been holding on to hope everyday… i’ve been sober a lot more recently, which has been helping a lot with control over impulsively reacting… so its easier to contain myself.. i’m able to work harder and think smarter… i realised a lot aswell… about you, about us… about what i did wrong, and how i could have avoided it all… i’m mad at myself. I should have seen it that drugs we’re becoming a problem during the summer… i was taking more and more and more everyday making everything worse for myself… and my emotions were getting out of hand, i was confused, i was losing touch with reality you know…? And … since i’ve quit .. and i have been doing way better.. i’m coming back fast… i’m remembering what i liked doing, and i’m getting into old passions again and planning stuff for my life for how i want to plan everything, what i want, future projects… some of it is also hope for you.. dont get me wrong, i dont need you, but once all my projects are done and everything is set for what i need… i’ll be holding onto the hope that you’ll be back someday🤷🏻‍♂️ until then, i still got lots to do! I worry about you a lot too tho.. i can feel you, and i know you are having a hard time with it all right now.. and until you’re basically 18 and outta there, they are responsible for your happiness.. and they suck at it… i wish i could help:( if you still feel shitty today, u can always call me and we can talk.. u can let it all out, and open up or you can just talk to me and let me calm u down🤷🏻‍♂️either or is fine, and if you still dont want to thats perfect too. Its just… ur on my mind… and i dont like when you feel this way🥺 stay safe, ily.

-B

So it gets better

I figured out some shit that i wanna do, how i want to make myself better, had a long night yesterday and i think i’m finally on the right path… thing is i dont know how much time i have left its completely random, my coughing got bad .. anyways, besides that um.. i’ve been doing better.. u were on my mind all day yesterday.. and i still miss you! But damn… its like.. i’ve been doing so much for myself and getting to know myself again and all.. like its going really good ! I just wish i could tell you everything… which leads me to my next idea, i love wrtting… but when i started college i was into making and editing vids… so i figured i coild the same.. this is ur thing.. maybe my thing could be short entertainment and vlog type vids, and i’m sure it could be cool for u to watch! I would talk about my dad the same way and what not, all i have to do is send the links ! Idk if i’ll do it tho.. i just thought about that yesterday. Je t’aime mon amour… je vais toujours toujours taimer… tu vois jai commencer a parler avec du nouveau monde un peu… mais ya pas une personne qui lsait pas que jten amour akt avec toi😂 i wont date ever again. Not for a long time.. because after i’m done handling me, and taking care of me and making myself who i want to be, i’m coming back you. I’ve given up on too much in my life. You know a lot about me, more than anyone.. and we have our connection… i dont want to lose that ok? We needed space, fine, but when all this is over and i’m myself again … i want you Amelia. And i’ll do anything i can to try and get u back… because i want no one but you. And its gonna be like that for a long long long time… i cant move on, i accepted it🤷🏻‍♂️you really are the love of my life. BUT, here’s what i did learn: i need to focus on me and treat myself the same way i treated u, once i can do that, we’re good ! Anyways… theres still so much i wanna say to you but i’m short on time today, i have lots to do… so if theres anything leave a comment or smt, i tried not to make this too long.. but i really do miss you… see its been a week now we havent spoke irl.. except a coiple days ago… and … its hurting more and more everyday… but im able to control it better… stay safe, i love you, you’re the best and i hope dave’s taking care of u. Dont be stupid. (Also, i’ve been drug free for a solid week now, except the occasion of weed, like last night i smoked a bit, but not enough to fuck me up right? Responsible☺️) je taime.

-B

Possibly goodbye

So.. today is a weird day… um where to start ? Yeah… im dying. So… its been about a week now… but i havent been doing so good.. i mean i’ve been okay.. faking it till i make it… but something isnt so great… i get stomach pains and chest pains failry often now… it means something… if it gets worse i might have to go to the clinique or smt… anyways… i dont want to die without talking to you one last time, but you wont wanna talk to me… so i’ll write you something nice. Stay strong, keep fighting, i love you.

-B

Sept 29th

Its almost 5 pm… you’re doing your therapy thing with Rose and i cant text u… see i totally respect that, you gotta do ur thing… i do miss you tho.. and i’m a little scared because last time u did that… u left me soo… yeah i’m kinda paranoid right now.. plus the fact that u dont wanna call even after that kinda hurts ngl… but i get we cant call everyday… we’ve done in like what 3 days in a row now ? I havent even gone out you’ve been keeping me home with you lol! Im jk tho i went out a bit too, but now i wont be for a little while.. time is gonna get long… i still didnt go to the clinique today, i called and got no answer so i gave up after waiting for an hour… i’ll go on foot tomorrow to get the paper myself so i can bring it to canadian tire, get paid and then get fired. Woohoo! I love making bad decisions 😂🙄 anyways, i hope you had a great day like u really said u did, if ever u feel like talking about it we can text later or call about it.. we dont have to call on night long but a little 5 mins to talk about ur day or wtv would be nice maybe..? Haaa whatever u dont want to we wont. Anyways! Have fun with season 6 tonight its pretty cool so far from what i’ve seen! Theres a new thing on the map its subway stations! They go around the map so there can be players inside underground! Anyways you’ll see! I love you❤️

Another day, another challenge

Maybe you’re still reading this, maybe you only read it once… if you’re still reading, well hey:) i hope you’re doing okay! alright well … where to start.. we just hung up from facetime, you wanted to listen to music so yeah.. but you knew something was up with me, why didnt you say anything..? if you wanna know, ill write it right here: i miss you more than anything. I’m trying my best to hide how i feel but still showing im crushing on you.. bringing you a gift, flirting on call… you know small subtle stuff… as if we just started talking to each other and like.. took our time in a way like i said on call, now i know i totally know thats not what this is… its similar but its not that, its basically… just us talking… maybe slowly becoming friends or something i dont know what it is… we havent really talked much about it but im always super scared to ask stuff because im so scared of driving you away again and never seeing you… i dont want to lose you a second time… this is already great and you’re being such a good influence to me… i mean shit you’re getting me to relax on smoking and teaching me how to control it like you’re there for me… someone is actually helping me through this and isnt giving up on me even when i do fuck shit up… and flirting like we’re doing.. knowing how you feel inside it kind of makes me feel better… and encourages me to only post how i really feel around here… dont take it the wrong way im not jumping to conclusions or anything. I’m just happy you actually wanna spend time with me and talk and goof around on facetime. i think its pretty cool, plus considering quarantine is coming i think its awesome, ill have a quarantine buddy this time, even tho its on facetime ! anyways i wont write much more its already long enough. Just know that you’re just really a great person who managed to actually steal my heart… i hate you and you’re super annoying<3 sweet dreams! good night

Day 5 i think

Today was a pretty good day i’d say… i mean… i got you so happy … it just it really made my day… from when i hung up, i put candies in the box, the edibles (instead of weed, even tho those were mine lol) the acid and then i washed my shirt and all… i just really wanted to make it special for you because i know u had PMS, and u wanted chocolate and plus with all the overthinking from yesterday… you need a break too sometimes ❤️ so i brought it to u…:) but yeah… nothing has ever made me happier than that, and i’ve never really done something like this before☺️callin in the quarantine box hahah😂 ugh… i say it enough already but seriously… i “hate” you so much like seriously you’re so annoying! I JUST WISH YOU’D BE HERE! Being super annoying and funny and just being great company to have… you know with you its like i can take on anything… and yeah i could alone too, trust me i could… but i dont want to. I’m in love with you and i’m not afraid to say it … no matter how crazy it actually is… i just .. thank you Amelia… honestly i… i cant say thank you enough… for everything🥰 anyways i wont say much more i dont really have much to say considering we spent a pretty good part of the day talking! Hopefully tomorrow i dont miss you too much while ur in school lol, i wont really text not to disturb you but you can text me whenever you want and i’ll be there, u can call me on ur break too, or not its fine u do ur own thing whatever 🤷🏻‍♂️as long as i get to see my favorite smile tomorrow, everything is great:)) have a nice day racoon, be safe

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